Changes
In the last week and a half I have;
- Started playing basketball again. I had forgotten how much I love the sport.
- Eaten lean protein (eggwhites, chicken breast) for the first time in months without it being part of a binge. I don’t think you realise how big this is for me, eating something other than vegetables/diet coke/hot chocolate.
- Started back at the gym regularly, running on the treadmill at an incline to burn calories and build muscle!
- Started lifting weights. Asked one of the trainers at the gym what kind of exercises I need to do to get rid of the “tuck-shop lady arms”, “thunder thighs” and build up back muscle/abs. Again, huge for me, as it means I will be putting on muscle ie weight. Not sure if I feel quite comfortable with the idea of seeing a higher number, but I want to drastically decrease my body fat percentage, look and feel and be leaner, toned, hard, so luckily my scales measures that crap.
- Decreased the binge/purge episodes from multiple times a day, to 4-5 times a week. I know I have a long way to go, but this is a start. Again, whoah.
- Made and kept and gone to appointments with a psychologist that deals with Eating Disorders. Mind you, she seems pretty useless, but what the hell, point is I’m going.
So all in all, alot has changed. My mind is still much the same though, in that I know myself to be disgustingly huge and repulsive, though I’m using the exercise/calorie restriction to combat that. I hope to continue this, especially cutting down the bingeing/increasing exercise. I know I’m not doing this completely the right way- my goal for now is to become more healthy in my ED. I realise that sounds fucked up, but I figure if I can eat less and exercise more, maybe I’ll feel a little less shit about myself.
I’m not ready to commit myself to recovery. I still have so much weight I want to lose. But these little changes, insignificant though they may be, will hopefully begin to condition my brain into a different pattern of thinking- and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to recover/want to recover… one day
wither: Bulimia.
A monster, thats hunger is never satisfied, no matter how many cookies or cheese slices or bowls of pasta you eat. You eat you eat you eat, until you feel as though your stomach is ripping at its seams, the pain, though excruciating, is pittance compared to the mental agony of the war inside your…
(via breakthelocks)
emma jacinta: melt.
Have you ever seen a plastic doll melt? I imagine that I would melt in a similar fashion, but instead of plastic dripping methodically off of my bones like wax it would be my fat, dripping from my rib cage, my hip bones, collarbones, dripping from every ephemeral bone and joint; leaving only a…
It is not a good day. Please, help me.
Oh Lordy I WANT!Those muscles… I want them.
Me too.
(Source: topfilmgifs, via lbs-of-dumbbells-not-scales)
Guess who couldn’t even make it one fucking day
Ate next to nothing all morning. Went to gym after work and had a killer session. Came home, had a shower, then made a super healthy dinner of grilled chicken breast, zucchini and capsicum. Went to boyfriend house. Bunged on cookies, chocolate milk, hot chocolate, Lindt chocolate, salt and vinegar chips, cheezles, pineapple and lime sorbet, and a special k cereal bar. Then went to maccas, had a cookie-caramel McFlurry and 2 hamburgers.
I have jut purged everything, including dinner. I punished myself also. I am now bleeding through my (thick) grey trackies. I feel awful.
This is why I’ll never be able to recover. And at this point, I am so mad. I just want to stop bingeing. I don’t mind restricting. Or over-excercise. Hell, at this point, I couldn’t care less about the purging. I just don’t want to eat alot anymore. THIS is why I’ll never recover- I can’t give this ED up completely. I might as well just die.
(Source: skinnyas-a-bitch, via emmajacinta)
Soft
I don’t want to be soft. I want to be hard. Bone-hard, sharp, angular.
Or lean and toned. Muscled. Fit.
I just don’t know which one I want more.
June stats and goals
Weight: 56.2kg
Height: 5’8”
BMI: 18.8
Body fat: 15.4% (8.65kg pure fat)
Water: 61.7%
Goal: 54.0kg by June 30th
Drink 1litre of water everyday
Drink less diet coke
Cardio at gym almost every day (min 5 days a week)
Weights and machines at gym at least every second day (try for every day)
Do ab work every second day
Eat more lean protein (eggwhites, a little plain chicken breast)
Eat less sodium (to prevent water retention).
Losing weight in a relatively healthy way is such a foreign concept to me. But oh well, what the hell. I’ll give it a try. Support? Encouragement? Advice? Your experiences? Share!
Anonymous asked: I know you don't feel like it.. (I have an ED as well, so I know you will probably take this with a grain of salt as I do most days..) but you are beautiful. whether you realize it or not. God formed you purposely the way you are. Please try to focus on just being healthy. A big thing for me to remember: Healthy and skinny are NOT the same thing! Also, your tattoo is awesome. Dumbledore's Army forever. <3 Praying for you. You were made wonderfully by the greatest Artist of all time. Psalm139:14
With a grain of salt, as you said, I just can’t bring myself to believ any positive thing anybody says about me. and I am neither healtby nor thin, though I would like to be both. I’m working on it. Haha thanks! Yeah its the only part of my body I do like. take care love, be safe xxx
